Due to my safety, I am not going to be disclosing my identity to you (unless you already know me personally and I have invited you to follow along). I may decide to disclose who I am with time, but for now I would like to remain unidentified.
My story begins just over six years ago, as I was just beginning nursing school at a community college. I didn’t exactly grow up wanting to be a nurse, but I did care about people, and the job stability with nursing is always good, so I decided to give it a try.
One day after skills lab, I recognized a second year nursing student (whom I found very attractive) in passing outside. He stopped, we exchanged introductions, and then we parted ways. I couldn’t get his charming personality or his beautiful, ocean-like blue eyes out of my head. Later that night I decided to request him as a friend on social media, and he asked me out on a date later that week. On our date, I quickly discovered that he was outgoing, funny, charismatic, intelligent, and just overall easy to be around. I knew that I was going to have to see him again.
For our second date, he invited me over for dinner, which was actually quite good. After dinner, we proceeded to watch a movie and sip on a glass of wine. Just as the movie ended, he proceeded to kiss me and shove his hands down my pants. It was very sudden and aggressive, and it took me off guard; Before this we hadn’t even kissed yet. You can also say that I was naive and I didn’t see it coming. I hadn’t dated or been serious with someone in a long time, and I wasn’t planning on or wanting to have sex for awhile. I just wasn’t the casual dating type at the time. I ended up letting him touch me and undress me partially, and when he proceeded to take his underwear off, I asked him to stop and told him that it had been a very long time since I’d been intimate with a partner. He then proceeded to push my panties to the side, give me what I can only think to describe as a “wicked, sick grin”, and then penetrated me with his penis. I remember bawling, him looking confused, and then him stopping after I began to cry loudly and hysterically. He then awkwardly just sat there staring at me, scanning my eyes with his, as if he were trying to register why I would be upset over the situation.
I was very upset, and I remember trying to rationalize his actions. I was thinking to myself, “well, maybe this is how dating is now. Maybe guys are just more aggressive”, and “maybe he didn’t hear me when I asked him to stop”. After I took a moment to collect myself and to stop crying, he then broke the silence by saying, “wow, you have an amazing ass”. Can you believe that? My date, who turned into my rapist/abuser, thought it would be a good time to comment on MY body after he just violated it (several months later, when I asked him why he continued to penetrate me and not say anything to me when I asked him to stop, he told me that he didn’t believe that I hadn’t been sexually active in so long, and that I had lied about it because I thought it was what he would want to hear.)Wow.
Looking back, I still become frustrated with myself for seeing him again after that night. I am religious, and at the time I felt shame for what had transpired, even though it was not my fault. I almost felt like I needed to make a relationship work out of what had happened because we had sex, whether at the time I knew it was nonconsensual or not. I figured that since we already had sex that we may as well continue to do so from that point on. This was the first time that he raped me, but it unfortunately was not the last time. My journey includes many forms of abuse: mental, financial, physical and sexual. By the end of our second date, I had already endured both mental and sexual abuse by him. Little did I know, this was just the beginning of what was to come.
You may be wondering “why would she choose the display name that she did?” Or you might not give a shit, I don’t know. If you are one of those that do care, I chose the display name (thegirlwhostayed), that I did because often times those who do not have a background in some shape or form with domestic violence do not understand why victims of domestic violence cannot physically leave their situation. This blog is an opportunity for me to not only cope with my past trauma, but also to share my journey of how I was able to survive and eventually leave an abusive relationship. FOREWARNING: I suffered nearly all types of abuse, and I will be sharing some incidents of abuse in detail in these blog entries; some of these entries may be found disturbing and therefore difficult to read. You also may find my frequent cursing disturbing. Just saying.